How Much of a Say Can a Bride Have in Her Bridal Shower?

A bridal shower is thrown in honor of the bride, so the hosts get to plan it. The hosts are usually the bridesmaids and one or both moms.

It is not uncommon for a bride to share some ideas with her mom and bridesmaids as to what she may want or not want at her shower but I wouldn’t recommend a bride planning the whole thing and then send the bill to her ‘maids.

If you have strong feelings about certain details, especially things you don’t want, it’s okay to share that information. But since the event, many times a surprise, is planned and paid for by others - who I’m assuming will enjoy planning this very special day - I’d let your bridesmaids and the moms take the lead and the bride should sit back, relax and enjoy it. After all, there are plenty of other things on your to-do list.

I’m not having a big wedding but I want to invite a lot of people to my bridal shower. Can I?

Yes and no. Technically if someone gets invited to the bridal shower they also get invited to the wedding, but if you're having a small destination wedding or it’s well known that your wedding, held locally, will be limited to immediate family you can have a bridal shower with uninvited wedding guests.

It’s not appropriate for a bride to host her own shower so have your closest friends, or your mom or his, host it in your honor.  It is common for his mom to host the bridal shower if she lives in another area and the guests are her friends and relatives.  The mother of the bride should be invited too.

Also, if you’re having a small wedding and want a bachelorette party you can have one. And unlike a bridal shower, the bride can host her own bachelorette party.

Cookbooks Make Great Bridal Shower Gifts

They really do.  I know they're not shiny and gadgety but if you're like me and have no idea how to boil water a cookbook can be the perfect addition to your kitchen.

Some traditionally home stores, like Williams-Sonoma, have a variety of cookbooks that you can add to your registry.  Guests looking to put a gift package together may even buy a cookbook and a tool or gadget you can use with it like a grilling book with a grilling kit or a baking book with measuring spoons.

You may also want to add a recipe card box or book to your registry and ask your mom, his and grandmothers to share their favorite recipes with you.  Sharing family recipes also makes a great shower activity.  Simply ask guests to bring their favorite recipe with them and have pretty recipe cards for them to write it on and the bridesmaids can present the recipes to the bride at the shower.

What If You Don't Have Bridesmaids?

Some brides may decide that they don't want to have bridesmaids, but then wonder who will plan their shower and bachelorette party.  Should the bride plan them herself?

For the bridal shower I would suggest that a bride doesn't plan her own but her mother, the groom's mother or the bride's friends can host the party.  And I know etiquette says that mom shouldn't plan the shower but it's okay if she does.  No one is going to think anything negative about it.  Or your mom, his mom and your friends can all contribute different elements to a shower in your honor.

For the bachelorette party it's perfectly acceptable for a bride to plan it herself, but you have to decide if you're paying for the evening's activities or if you're going to have everyone split the bill.  If you're planning the party, but don't want to foot the whole bill, make sure to tell your friends that you expect them to pay their own way so they don't assume that you're covering everything.

Picking a Bridal Shower Theme

I love planning bridal showers.  You can get really creative with the theme, more so than you can with the wedding.

When choosing a theme for a bridal shower think about two things:

1.  What interests the bride (and groom) have.  Are they book lovers, wine lovers, world travelers, chefs, etc...  Their interest can help you decide on the type of party to throw and the party details.

2.  What type of gifts the bride registered for as well as needs and wants.  Couples who need everything for their home may benefit from an "Around the House" or "Around the Clock" shower which tells guests to bring specific items for the home.  A couple who is doing a lot of home renovations may benefit from a "Home Improvement" theme where guests bring tools and other items to help their renovations along.

A shower's theme can be included on the invitation, decor, entertainment and favors.  It's okay to make it as cheesy or as refined as you want as long as you keep it in the span of what the bride would like and want at her shower.

Remember that you are planning her shower and therefore you should keep all the plans tailored to what you think/know she would like.  when it's your shower you can ask/tell your bridesmaids and mom what you would like.

Don't Force a Veil on the Bride at Her Shower or Bachelorette Party

When bridesmaids are planning your bridal shower and bachelorette party as the bride you have to let them know if you do or don't want certain elements included.

The bridal shower and bachelorette party are both thrown in honor of the bride so they are not under her watchful planning and style eye like the wedding.  While I don't want to suggest you bully your bridal party into planning the exact party you want, especially if they can't afford it, I am saying that it's okay to give hints on the type of party you'd like and the type of party and details you detest.

If You're Giving Out Shower Favors At Least Make It a Good One

While favors aren't mandatory at any wedding-related party, a lot of hostesses like to give them out because it's traditional.

Bridal shower favors can be cheesy but they don't have to be!  You can find something that goes with the shower's theme or something that the bride likes that you think the guests will enjoy too.  It's important not spend too much money on favors and don't buy anything that if you got at a bridal shower you would throw out as soon as you got home.

Here are some favor ideas you may want to consider:

• Edible favors such as chocolate, cookies, candy, tea.  Food is always a hit!
• Musical favors.  You can burn a CD of songs that you think guests will enjoy.  It can be a mix of the bride's favorites, somehow related to the party's theme or have a general theme like love songs or dance music.
• Lottery tickets are very cheap - $1-5 per scratch off - and everyone loves playing.
• Seeds or a small plant.  This is great for eco-fans but there's no guarantee that all of your guests have a green thumb.
• Monograms.  Items that can be monogrammed with the guest's initial not the bride's are a good idea but depending on what it is this can be pricey.  I've hosted showers where each guest was given a monogrammed handkerchief (less than $5 each) and I've been a shower guest where I received a mug with a large A on it.  It happens to be one of my most favorite favors ever.

As for pricing shower favors I would try and stick to $5 - $10 max per favor.  Remember that you are giving one favor to every person there, plus the other hostesses and the bride so let's say you spend $8 on each favor times 30 people, you're spending $240 on favors -- and this doesn't including shipping, tax and any special packaging like a cello bag, ribbon and favor tag.

The Groom and the Bridal Shower

If you're having an all girls shower than I suggest asking some men to show up at the end of the shower to help bring the gifts to the cars.

You should have the fathers of the bride and groom, any brothers and the groom arrive about 30-45 minutes toward the end of the party to say hello and load the car(s) with the bags and boxes of gifts you (and the groom) received.

Another idea is to get the groom to arrive earlier and take part in a game - like the newlywed game - during the shower.  I like this idea because it's more fun when you hear the groom's responses live and you can see the couple interact with each other.

Bridal Shower Game

If you follow my @aisledash Twittter feed then you read that I was at a bridal shower over the weekend.  It was at tea party at Lady Mendel's in Manhattan.

One of the games the bridesmaids planned was bridal themed Scattergories.  It was a lot of fun - I love Scattergories, and I won!  Here's how it works:

Come up with a list or 8-10 categories and then use the first letter of the bride's name and the groom's name for the two rounds.  We only had time to score one round so another idea is to play one round and  use the first letter of the bride's name or the first letter of what the bride's married name will be.

In this case the letter for round one was S and for round two D.  Some of the categories were:  Something you find at a bridal shower, something the bride will need on her wedding day, a word to describe the bride, a word to describe the groom, the bride's favorite food, something you find on a bridal registry and a pet name for a spouse.

Scoring it is difficult because the idea is that you want to have the most original answers.  If someone else has what you wrote then you don't get a point.  The bridesmaid running the game first had people shouting their answers and she didn't always catch what people said so by the 5th category she went table by table allowing a few people to give their answer.  This allowed people to hear if they got a point or not, but it also dragged the game on and that's why we only got through one round.

So if you play this game, which is a lot of fun, maybe you want to limit it to one round and if you have a lot of guests maybe you want the tables to play against each other.

Don't Jump to Conclusions

A friend whose shower was this past weekend told me that she was surprised that two of her guests didn't bring a shower gift with them to the party.  I knew that she thought a gift wasn't coming but I told her not to jump to any conclusions, at least not yet.

It's possible that they forgot the gift at home or decided to have it shipped to the bride's home instead of bringing it with them to the shower - either because it was to heavy to carry or because  they didn't have time to get to the store and only had time to shop online.

It's only been a few days so I told her to wait a few weeks and see if a gift arrives in the mail  It's not like these shower guests won't be getting a wedding invitation due to this situation, but I could tell that the bride was not happy about this situation - she was definitely surprised someone would show up without a shower gift.  After all the main event at a bridal shower is opening up all the bride's gifts, right?

There are a few people who didn't give us a gift at our wedding - seven years later I'm assuming the check isn't in the mail.  But there was one guest who couldn't make the wedding and about nine months after the wedding, we received a glass punch bowl in the mail.  It was the nicest surprise and one of my favorite wedding gifts.

Don't jump to conclusions if you find yourself in this situation.  I always assume the best in people and if someone does come to your shower or wedding without a gift, yes it's upsetting and surprising, but don't write them off, you never know if a gift could arrive one day or the non-gift giver may surprise you in another way wedding or non-wedding related.

Must-Read Bridal Shower Tips

I love going to bridal showers.  They're so casual and fun and the bridesmaids can really do whatever they want as far as location, food, entertainment and theme goes.

If you're planning a bridal shower - or are the bride and can have some influence on the one about to be thrown for you - here are some planning tips to keep in mind:

1. Guests expect shower games as part of the entertainment.  Yes, sometimes they can be cheesy but sometimes cheesy can be fun.  Don't be afraid to make up your own game or put a new twist on an old favorite like Who knows the bride or groom best? and The Newlywed Game.
2. Guests expect that the bride will open her gifts at the shower.  If there are more than 25 gifts the bridesmaids should form an assembly line to help speed up the process - unwrap, keep track of who gave what, repackage, trash detail and ribbon bouquet.
3. Speaking of ribbon bouquets.  Forget the ribbon hat and make the bride a ribbon bouquet that she can then use at her rehearsal.  Bring extra ribbons, paper plates, scissors, tape and a stapler with staples to create the bouquet. And don't forget to pose for a picture with the bride!
4. Favors are usually something that guests can't really use but they don't have to be.  Think about giving guests something they can really use like a mug, magnet, notepad or monogrammed handkerchief. 

You Don't Invite People to the Shower If They're Not Invited to the Wedding

A friend of mine just got an invitation to a bridal shower, but she doesn't think she'll be invited to the wedding.  My immediate reaction was of course you'll be invited to the wedding -- you can't get invited to the shower if you're not invited to the wedding.

To which her husband replied, "Really?  I don't think people know that."

Well, now they do.  You don't invite people to a bridal shower if they are not invited to the wedding.

However, there are exceptions:

1 - You eloped and the shower is post-ceremony.
2 - Your office threw the shower and they know they're not invited to the wedding.
3 - You are having a very small wedding but your mom wants to throw a shower for you with her closest friends.
4 - Same as above but this time it's your fiance's mother.

Any questions?