We Got an Engagement from Someone We Didn’t Plan on Inviting to the Wedding. Now Do We Have to Send them an Invitation?

You don’t have to send a wedding invitation to someone just because they sent you an engagement gift. You do however have to send them a thank-you note.

If at some point the gift giver says something that gives you the impression that they’re expecting an invitation you can either ignore their comment or explain that you’ve decided to have a more intimate wedding with your closest family and friends and kept the list extremely short.

Do We Have to Include the First and Last Name of a Guests’ Guest on the Wedding Invitation Envelope?

You should get the first and last name of every guest.  It’s not appropriate to put Mr. John Smith and Guest or as we recently received on an invitation, “& Spouse”. In the situation where it’s a married couple, Mr. & Mrs. Smith is fine -- unless of course the wife has a different last name or she has a professional title such as Dr., Hon. Or is in the armed services and then she would be listed first.

There’s nothing wrong with sending an email or calling a guest and asking for the correct spelling of everyone’s names or asking a guest brining a date you’e never met for his or her name.

Our RSVP By Date is a Few Days a Way and We’re Still Missing Responses. How and When Can We Find Out Who’s Coming?

I would wait a few days past the RSVP date listed on the reply card before you call or email guests who you haven’t heard from yet.  It’s okay to divide the list: Ask your mom and his to reach out to relatives and their friends and you and the groom contact your friends.

When you’re asking don’t be accusatory, be casual about it and say that you didn’t hear back from them and you’re hoping they can make it.

Who Gets Invited to the Post-Wedding Brunch?

The bridal party and your immediate families should receive an invite and so should guests who have travelled from out of town. When you know there are guests staying at a local hotel the night of your wedding I recommend inviting them to the post-wedding brunch. It’s the polite thing to do.

If somehow they find out there’s a brunch and they weren’t invited they may be insulted and now you’ve turned the wonderful memory of your wedding into an awkward/uncomforable situation.

When Should We Have Our Guests Reserve Their Hotel Rooms?

Once you’ve secured a block of rooms you can share the hotel information and discount code with your guests. Post the information on your wedding website and if you’re mailing save-the-date cards, include the details.

The hotel will probably include an end date on the hold in the contract, which will state how long the rooms will be on hold for your guests. Some hotels will cancel the hold on unbooked rooms four weeks before your wedding date to be able to sell them to other customers, so it’s important your guests book their rooms as soon as the information is available.

You may reserve blocks at multiple hotels -- based on price points and style. You can choose both a budget-friendly and high-end option to allow guests to choose the hotel they want.

If you know the hotel is booking up fast don’t be afraid to email or call specific guests to inform them that if they don’t make their reservation soon they may not have a room to book at all.

How Do We Decide Who Sits Near the Band, the Kitchen and the Bar at Our Reception?

Creating your wedding’s seating chart can be tricky, but after you’ve decided which table everyone is sitting at you then have to determine where in the room the tables should go. Someone has to sit near the band or the kitchen or the entrance so think carefully about who may take offense to each location. Here are some tips to guide you:

• Don’t put grandma and grandpa’s table near the band or the DJ’s speaker. They won’t enjoy the loud music or get to speak with their relatives and friends sitting with them. It’s safe to put them toward the back of the room, away from the dance floor.
• While you should put the kids’ table near their parents, you don’t want to put them right on the dance floor, especially if they’re younger than 10. Put them towards the back of the room but not near an exit where a little one can run out quickly and unnoticed.
• The bride and groom’s parent tables should be right on the edge of the dance floor where they can be seen by the other guests.
• Your friends, and the groom’s, may not mind sitting right next to the bar. Another idea is next to the band since older generations may take it as an insult to be so close to the music.
• If someone has to be right next to the out/in doors of the kitchen ask the location manager or caterer to put up a decorative screen so it’s not so obvious that the kitchen is there.

Do We Need to Provide Ceremony Seating? We Want a Really Casual Ceremony Setting Where Our Guests Stand Around Us.

You should provide some seating for your guests, especially if a number of them are older (think grandparents' age), pregnant or children. Mark these chairs as reserved so an able-bodied adult doesn't take a seat from granny.

You may even want to assign an usher or two to guard the chairs and escort guests to their seats to ensure that they know they’re there for them.

Do We Need to Supply Toiletries in the Restrooms at Our Reception Site?

No you do not. While it has become customary for the host to leave a basket with various toiletries -- tampons, pads, tissues, hairspray, floss, a sewing kit -- for guests in case they needed something, I really don’t think this is necessary.

Think about it, if you have your period you’ll bring your own tampons/pads. How many times have you gone somewhere and needed a sewing kit or hair styling supplies?

While the gesture is appreciated, you can put your money towards another detail or just save it for the honeymoon.

We’re Looking for a Hotel for Our Out-of-Town Guests. Do We Need to Give Them Several Options?

You may want to since your guests may have different needs. A family may want something more casual with family-friendly restaurants, while a couple without kids may want a more romantic setting to make it a short vacation from home.

Price is another factor. Whichever hotel you choose you may be able to score a discount for your guests (10% is the usual for group bookings) but that may still leave the price too steep.

Try to choose two hotels -- one family-friendly and more affordable -- and one a little more luxury. Make sure to tell the hotel when you block the rooms that it’s for a wedding and get the discount and end date for the block in the contract. Double check the spelling of the name for the discount code, it’s usually your last name, your fiance’s or a combination. And then make sure all this information is correct on your wedding website and save-the-date cards.

In rare circumstances you can choose three hotels, at three price points, but that’s probably not necessary.

We Want to Have an After Party, but Limit It to Our Friends, Not Our Parents’ Guests. Can We Do That or Does Everyone Get to Go?

You can limit your after party to a select number of your wedding guests and inform them of the details with a separate invitation to the party. You can slip a card into your wedding invitation -- like Kate and Wills did -- or send an invite on its own.

Make sure the DJ or band leader doesn’t “remind” guests that the night’s not over as they play the last reception song, just move to the next room and keep the party going.

Your parents, and his, should be invited and if they insist on having a couple of friends on the guest list I wouldn’t fight them on this, especially if they’re still hosting.

Do We Have to Have Assigned Tables at Our Reception?

If you are having a small guest list, less than 75 people, you can probably get away with people sitting wherever they want. Also, if you are not having a formal meal but a more casual cocktail style party you don’t need assigned seats.

When your guest list is rather long (75+) it can get awkward for guests to have to find their own seats. Some may find it hard to find enough seats for their “group” at one table. And when I write “group” I don’t just mean a party of 2 or family, but rather the group of guests who would like to sit together -- your college friends, your mom’s siblings and their spouses, the groom’s colleagues, etc…

While creating your seating chart can get tricky, and stressful, it’s a courtesy to your guests to create one, even if you know that one or two people may not like their seat. Just try your best to make it work for as many people as possible.

Someone RSVP’d That They’re Bringing a Date, But We Didn’t Invite Them With a +1. How Do We Uninvite the Date?

It’s important to be direct. Remember, you didn’t do anything wrong. Your guest did.

Since email tone can be misinterpreted I suggest calling and explaining that you’re sorry for the confusion - again this is not your fault - but due to spacing and budget issues you didn’t invite him with a guest and can’t have his date at the wedding.

You have two choices at this point. Either stand firm and don’t allow the date to come or you can offer that if enough people reply they won’t be able to make it you’ll make room for his date.

If this guest is from the groom’s part of the guest list you can have your groom make the call, but if your groom feels uncomfortable about it you can make it.

How Can I Avoid Offending a Guest by Seating Them at a “Bad” Table?

I always think of the needs of a guest when seating them at a table. You can safely assume that your grandparents and guests of their generation will not want to sit next to the band or DJ speakers, so you can seat them towards the back.

Ask your parents and the groom’s if they have a preference. They may want to sit together at a “family table” or they may wish to sit with close relatives and friends. I would sit your parents’ tables close to the dance floor. If you’re dividing the room between bride’s guests and groom’s guests, the parents’ tables can be at the center of each side of the dance floor so they have a good view of your first dance, toastmakers and other special moments.

The bride and groom, whether they sit by themselves or with others, should be at the center of the room - across from the band/DJ - and clear for all to see. You can sit your bridal party and friends on either side of you.

Flank your parents’ tables with tables made up of their family and their friends -- you and your parents will know the “importance” of which guests should be nearer to your mom and dad and who can be a little further away.

As for a bad seat, near the band or speakers may not be a desired spot but your friends (and their ears) can handle it. Another spot is near the kitchen, so try and get as much space as possible between the table nearest to it and the kitchen door. Or see if your caterer/location can throw up a standing divider, an attractive one, so your guests don’t feel like they’re in the kitchen.

And always remember that you can’t please everyone so just do your best and don’t worry so much.

Our Reception Venue Requires a Guest Minimum and We Don’t Have Enough People On Our Guest List. What Do We Do?

If you’ve already signed the contract there’s not much you can do but either add to your guest list or pay the per person rate for the number of empty chairs.

It’s very important that you review contracts with all of your vendors and make sure you really understand what’s in them. Don’t be afraid to have your parents, his or a friend with experience in contracts review them too.  I’m not suggesting that you hire a lawyer.

In the case that you received a larger number of regrets than you expected, and that’s the reason you won’t hit your minimum, don’t be afraid to invite additional guests. You can either be honest and explain that the space had a very limited number of seats so you were very limited with the number of people on your guest list or fib a bit and tell them their invitation came back in the mail and you want to “resend” it to them.

Not to Sound Greedy but Some of Our Guests Gave Us $20 gifts. Do We Say Something Or Let It Go?

Write them a thank-you note just as if their gift cost $100 and forget it. It’s not your place to look in other people’s wallets. It’s possible that $20 is all they could afford.

While wedding gifts are expected at a wedding there’s no rule as to how much a guest must spend, it’s at their discretion. And while some will say that a gift should equal the cost of what the couple spends per person there’s no way to figure that because it would include a total of the food, invitation, favor, program, wedding cake, flowers on the table, music, etc…

We’re Having a Semi-Formal Wedding, Should We Use Titles When Addressing the Invitation Envelopes?

I would. Unless your wedding is really casually you should use appropriate titles when addressing the outer, mailing, envelopes. The male guest’s name should be spelled out, but not the female’s.

For example: Mr. and Mrs. John Smith

If he’s a doctor, judge, in the military, the format would be the same with his title being Dr. or The Honorable or Captain, etc… Ex: Captain John Smith, U.S. Navy and Mrs. John Smith.

If the female guest is the one with a career title her name would go first with his underneath: Dr. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith. But the “and Mr. John Smith” would be written beneath hers.

It’s technically not proper to put The Smith Family on the envelope if you’re inviting the whole family, but no one is going to call the etiquette police on you. When inviting a family put the parents’ names on the outer envelope and each person’s name on the inner. Another option is to send one invite to the parents and the second to adult (over 16) children in the household.

My Parents, Who Are Paying for Most of the Wedding, Want to Invite 50 People I Don’t Know to the Wedding. How Can I Talk Them Out of Inviting Them?

If your wedding is over 150 people and your parents paying let them invite them. When you’re having a large wedding you can’t use the excuse that you want an intimate one.

Since you’ve accepted money from your parents, and I’m assuming the groom’s too, you have to accept some strings.

Remember that your wedding day is just as important to your parents as it is to you. In fact I’d bet they’ve been thinking of it for longer than you have. Just as you want to share it with your friends, they want to share it with theirs.

Review the list with your parents and if money is not a point of debate because your parents are willing to pay the added cost (catering, invitations, cake, rentals, favors, flowers for five more tables are some of the added costs you can mention), think of the space. Can it accommodate another 50 people?

Go over each name and if you’re not sure who someone is ask who he or she is and why it’s important for him or her to be there. Don’t have an edge in your voice, just speak quite frankly.

If on the other hand you’re only having immediate family and your closest friends explain to your parents that the style of wedding you and your fiance want won’t accommodate more people and maybe when you return from your honeymoon there can be a post-wedding reception: a brunch, cocktail party or formal dinner.

What Do We Do If a Guest Shows Up With an Uninvited Date or Their Kids?

Make them feel welcome.

On the day of your wedding you don’t want to focus your energies on arguing with a guest so just let it go and let the caterer figure out the seating issue. If you want to say something you can but unless you ask them both (or the family) to leave you’re probably going to get into an argument with the end result that they’re staying. Why not enjoy your wedding and say something after you return from your honeymoon.

As for costs, the caterer will probably tack on an extra fee for the adult guest but kids will either eat free if they are under 3 or pay a reduced rate.

This situation is also ideal for your wedding planner (day-of or full service) to handle or designate a member of the bridal party or close relative/friend handle any situation that arises.

Remember this is your wedding day. Don’t let anyone ruin it for you.

And if it’s an RSVP card that comes back with uninvited guests listed as attending you can call the invited guest and tell him or her that you’re sorry but they can’t bring a date or their kids because the space doesn’t allow for it.

How to Determine Your Wedding's Dress Code

Are you concerned about what your guests will wear to your wedding? Since you can't go to their homes and pick out their clothes, give them some clues to help ensure that everyone is dressed appropriately.

If you want all the men in tuxedos and women in evening gowns, then have "black tie" or "formal attire" printed on the lower corner of your invitation. If you want your guests to be formal but don't need to have everyone in a tux, then print "black tie optional." If you're not sure attire wording will fit on the invite, talk to your stationer about your layout and insert options. You can have a separate card inserted with your invitation that reads:

Dinner and dancing to follow

Formal attire

Your guests will know how to dress themselves, and of all the details you need to tend to, worrying about their wardrobe should not be one of them. There are certain attire rules that most, if not all, people will follow:

Saturday (or Sunday) night after 6 p.m.: formal/black tie

Daytime weddings: suits for men and cocktail dresses for women

If you're concerned about a handful of guests, you can either tell them (or have someone else tell them) what's appropriate or just let them come as they are and don't think about it. A guest that is dressed inappropriately will be more embarrassed for himself or herself and you probably won't notice, because you'll be too busy enjoying the day.

Entertainment for Kids at a Wedding

If you're planning on inviting children to your wedding you may want to consider supplying them with an activity to keep them busy.

Really little ones will have to sit with their parents but if they're over 18 months you can have coloring books and crayons available to them.  Older kids may need something more exciting so visit a local toy story for activity books, small games they can play at the table or if you can afford it and have a large number of kids you may want to hire a magician, clown or other kid-friendly entertainer.

It's okay to set up a designated kids' table but if you're not sure if a child is old enough to sit away from his or her parents just ask.

Another option if you don't really want children there but can't say no, ask the reception venue if they have a room you can use as a "daycare center."  Hire a babysitter or two and stick it with kid-friendly foods, games and even some DVDs if there's a TV.  Parents will be close by to pop in or in case of an emergency and still be able to have a great time at your reception.