Remembering Other Milestones During Your Engagement

Today is my daughter's 1st birthday and to celebrate with her I left work early -- something I never do.  It's important that throughout your engagement you take time out to enjoy other events in your lives -- birthdays, anniversaries as well as other happy occasions.

I once left my best friend's engagement party to bid on something on eBay that I thought I would want for our wedding.  That was a mistake.  I won the auction but never used the items.

Yes your engagement and wedding planning is a very exciting time in your lives but don't forget the other fun things in life that happen during this time.

What's That Smell?

We went to dinner with another couple tonight and towards the end of our meal we began to smell something really funky.  At first we thought it was garbage from the busser station not far from our table -- yes it was that foul we thought it was garbage -- but after we mentioned something and they cleared the station the smell was still there.

A waitress came over and explained that it was an ingredient in the food on the next table and we couldn't believe it.  It was so bad that we skipped dessert and left the table.  We paid standing at the hostess' desk.

When choosing the items for your menu ask if something has a strong odor and see if there are some alternatives.  You don't want your guests leaving early because something is making them nauseous.

I know this is kind of random but I never would believe that at a high-end restaurant we would have to leave early because of a horrible smell and thought it could happen at a wedding.

When to Schedule Parent Dances

I stopped by Bloomingdale’s on the way home to hear Vera Wang speak on her 20th anniversary and ran into a DJ, Jason Fioto from Generation Events in New York City.  We originally met at another Bloomingdale’s event a few months back where I politely asked him to turn the music down because I was having trouble chatting with Jessica from Judy Paulen Designs in the next booth.

Anyway, since I hadn’t written my post for today I asked Jason to give me one of his top wedding music tips.  Here it is:

“Save the parent dances till after the main course. That way the first dance, which takes place at the beginning of the reception, is all about the bride and groom.”

And Jason also gave me his thoughts on tipping so I’m adding an update to my recent post on tipping vendors.

You Don't Invite People to the Shower If They're Not Invited to the Wedding

A friend of mine just got an invitation to a bridal shower, but she doesn't think she'll be invited to the wedding.  My immediate reaction was of course you'll be invited to the wedding -- you can't get invited to the shower if you're not invited to the wedding.

To which her husband replied, "Really?  I don't think people know that."

Well, now they do.  You don't invite people to a bridal shower if they are not invited to the wedding.

However, there are exceptions:

1 - You eloped and the shower is post-ceremony.
2 - Your office threw the shower and they know they're not invited to the wedding.
3 - You are having a very small wedding but your mom wants to throw a shower for you with her closest friends.
4 - Same as above but this time it's your fiance's mother.

Any questions?

Gratuities: Who Gets What

Your catering contract will include gratuity for the waitstaff and it will usually be somewhere between 18 - 25%. This fee is not negotiable and since waiters, bussers and bartenders work for tips it would be rude, in my opinion, to try and cheat these workers. But when it comes to other wedding vendors my views on tipping may vary from others in the industry.

The hair and makeup artist should be tipped if they work for a salon and are not independent contractors, meaning they are not self-employed. The same for drivers.

I do not think you need to tip the florist, band, photographer, videographer, officiant (you will probably pay him/her a fee), baker, DJ and wedding planner. Valets are similar to waiters and their gratuity is probably included in their contract.

For your wedding planner, you may want to buy a token gift if you’ve been working with him or her for your entire engagement.

Of course do what you think is right and if I missed a vendor comment or email me and I put in my two cents.

And while a gratuity may not be necessary it’s always a good idea to write a thank-you note.

UPDATE: Of course if you think the band, DJ, wedding planner, etc... did an amazing job you can give them an extra few bucks -- the total amount is up to you but $50 or $100 is probably average per person.

You're Not Being Greedy When Registering for Gifts

I spoke to a bride today about a number of details for her wedding and before we parted she asked me how much was too much to register for.  She was concerned that her guests would think they were being greedy if there were too many items on their registry.  She also wanted to know how many stores she should register at.

It's always a good idea to register at two or three stores.  Make sure that between all of the stores your guests can shop online at at least two of them.  You can choose stores that all carry the same types of items or you can choose stores that carry different products -- housewares, furniture, special interest.

As for how much to put on your registry, think about how many guests you're inviting to your wedding and don't forget about your engagement party and bridal shower too.  Each couple and single guest will buy you a gift for each of these events he or she is invited to.  So if you do the math:

100 people at your engagement party = 50 gifts, assuming everyone is there as a couple
30 shower guests = 30 gifts + wishing well items
150 wedding guests = 90 gifts, assuming that you have a mix of couples, singles and families

That's 170 gifts total!  And you want to make sure you have a lot of options in items and price points, so register for just under 200 items.

You may not believe me but a registry actually makes it easier on your guests because they know what to buy you and what stores to shop at.  So do them a favor and make sure to register and check back to make sure it's updated.  Items get removed if they are sold out, no longer available or discontinued - especially seasonal items.

What to Expect If You Have a Pregnant Bridesmaid

I've heard stories about brides who actually get upset if one of their bridesmaids gets pregnant and will begin showing by the time of the wedding or brides who are concerned that their friend will be too pregnant at the wedding.

First of all, your bridesmaids are your closest friends and relatives and you should be nothing but happy for them.  But here are some thoughts on pregnant bridesmaids:

1.  Make sure to choose a dress style that is both flattering and comfortable for an expectant bridesmaid.  This dress can either be the same dress for all the 'maids or a complimentary style.

2.  Think about how far a long she'll be at the wedding.  You should have a seat in the front row for her to sit if the service is long or if she gets uncomfortable standing at the altar.

3.  Don't make any comments or jokes about her having the baby at the wedding or being too big to walk down the aisle.  They are not nice and you may think they're funny, she may not.

4.  Allow her to choose her own shoes.  Don't insist on heels that she thinks are too high.

5.  If you are planning a spa day for you and your bridesmaids check if the spa offers pre-natal massages or other treatments for pregnant women.

6.  If she has to pull out from the bridal party for any reason, especially medical, tell her that you're sorry but understand and don't make her feel bad about it.  It may be her OB's call and not hers.

Don't Forget to Number Your RSVP Cards

My aunt is getting married in a few weeks and told me that she got an RSVP card back with no name and no return address.  I immediately asked if she had numbered her RSVP cards and she answered, "obviously not."

When you are putting your wedding invitations together number the lower corner of the back of the RSVP cards and make a list - on paper or on your computer (maybe on an excel sheet that also tracks your will/will not attend) - where a guest name or couple corresponds to each number.  This way when you get an RSVP card back in the mail with no name or return address you can easily figure out who sent it back and you won't have to worry about calling everyone you are waiting to hear back from to see if they were the nameless guest.

Hair & Makeup Trials

It's very important to have a hair and makeup trial in the weeks before your wedding even if you're planning on doing your own hair and makeup.  The morning of your wedding is not the time to experiment.

At your trial remember to bring a digital camera, not just your camera phone, and make sure you take pictures of yourself from the front, both sides and for your hair, from behind.  This way you can see what you'll look like from all angles.

Your makeup artists should take notes, writing down exactly what colors she is using on you so on the day of your wedding she is not trying to remember which shade of pink blush she wanted to use.

You can ask for a copy of the notes to have for your own records and if you want to purchase any of the products, such a the lipstick or liner, make sure you have the brand and color name correct.

New Rule: Cash Registries are Tacky. Don't Get One.

Are you familiar with Bill Maher's New Rules segment?  Whether you are or not, here's my new wedding rule:

Cash registries are tacky.  Everyone wants cash or checks as wedding gifts - who wouldn't want $100 to use on whatever you want?  But you cannot register for money.  You can't put a button on your wedding website directing guests to PayPal.  You can't tell people to just write you a check when they ask what you'd like as a wedding gift.

Register for gifts either at a brick and mortar store or online or even for your honeymoon - though I'm not huge on these either.  And choose a store or site with a good return or exchange policy so if you do get something you don't want, need or like you can exchange it or return it for a store credit.

The only excuse for this situation is if you and your groom are moving out of the country and it'll be impossible to move everything to your new home.  I know of two couples who had this issue and one was in the military.

So register at a store - or two or three - and if you really want cash gifts keep your fingers crossed that your guests are the cash/check-writing crowd.